During my first prenatal appointment at 6w+1d, the nurse practitioner spent a solid 30 minutes asking me all kinds of questions; everything from my health history to my ethnic heritage, my living arrangements, my education, and on and on and on. Before even checking to ensure that I was actually pregnant, (which she later confirmed with a “well, your cervix looks pregnant!”), she asked me if I planned to breastfeed. Naturally (and perhaps with some twinge of apprehension and weight of social pressure) I replied “yes”. I had no idea what my answer actually entailed. I remember thinking to myself that I would try; if it worked out – great, but if not, no big deal. As my due date got closer and closer, I began reading medical journals and mom testimonials and talking to family and friends about their experiences with breastfeeding. (As you read more of my posts you will find that I research EH-VE-RY-THING). As I listened to stories of long-term breastfeeding success along with stories of simply not being able to, or of choosing formula and being thrilled with that choice, I again thought “if it works – great, if not, I’ll be fine”.
Fast forward to August 11th 2016 – after the Golden Hour (Golden 2 hours in our case), my tiny little Alice, whose name wasn’t confirmed at the time, latched on and nursed for about 20 minutes. She acted like a pro, it didn’t hurt (I thought in that moment that all the money I spent on Lanolin cream would be a waste; HA!), and it was easy and simple and natural. I fell in love with breastfeeding Alice right there and then. It was such a calm; such true peace and connection between me and my little peanut, where the rest of the world simply went away. That was in her first few hours of life. The next few months would be a different story.
I became ultra focused on breastfeeding – I was determined to make it work no matter what. From waiting 4 full days for my milk volume to increase from colostrum to mature milk (and freaking out endlessly that it never would), to using nipple shields starting day two and still going strong at 15 months (all about nipple shields here), to clipping her lip and tongue tie at 2 months and having regrowth, to multiple significant dips in supply, to crazy plugged ducts that felt like bricks…. I’ve had it all and more and remained determined to meet our goals – exclusive breastfeeding until 6 months, breastmilk before solids until 12, and nursing at least 2x daily until she turns two or self weans herself. With the help of a wonderful lactation consultant (thank you WIC), we have made it to three goals so far: EBF for 6 months, breastmilk before solids, and though she night weaned around 12 months, we are nursing about 4 times daily at 15 months!! In some ways, it was easy. In others, it took sweat, tears, pain, blood, moodiness, and many changes in my routine to make it work.
But here is what I know: I have been very fortunate to get to breastfeed my daughter. It is a privilege not afforded to every mom-baby duo out there. Whether for medical reasons, or emotional ones, or situational ones, many mothers are unable to or not wanting to breastfeed and I respect their choices. I just know that for me and my daughter, breastfeeding has been the right choice, for both of our well-being.
There is something so pure, so unmarred about breastfeeding, something that connects us to the past and the future generations of mothers and their nurslings. In the middle of the night in our silent, sleeping household or in bright daylight in the midst of a busy coffee shop, it’s always just her and me, her and me in our most natural, connected, loving forms. She stares up at me with those massive brownish-grey eyes and I melt. I feel so utterly connected to nature in those moments, to the tribe of other mothers, the Goddesses that we all are; a feeling, which to be honest is not one that comes easily for me. I am grateful to Alice for giving me that feeling, along with so much else.
Ironically, I am writing this post in the midst of a huge supply dip. This isn’t the first and likely will not be the last. I discuss milk supply dips and remedies here, stress and breastfeeding here, and am exploring new solutions for dips affected by the return of my cycle.
With all this mushy, detailed stuff about our breastfeeding journey so far, my point is this: you should always advocate for yourself and your child what you as a parent feel is best. The more Alice and I get to know each other, the more I come to rely on the mom gut. In the midst of this dip I have had friends and family lovingly (and not so lovingly) tell me that if it isn’t working any more, I should just stop, no big deal. But it is. For us it’s a big deal and it isn’t time… yet. It may be that we will have to stop sooner than I hope, but not until I have exhausted every option available to me to continue with breastfeeding. So no matter how you choose to feed (and parent) your child, make sure you are doing it for your own reasons and not someone else’s, do all the research you can, try everything to make your goals happen, and if they just don’t, give yourself a hug and then allow for necessary changes. You are doing everything just right for your baby. Even when it all seems to be going wrong. Every mom in history, every one of us in this very privileged tribe, have gone through the ups and downs and yet babies grow up fine and the world keeps spinning.
