Today I behaved like a shitty mom. I had a million and one things on my to do list, and stressing to get them done and checked off made me incredibly impatient. All day today the impatience, the “just give me a few more minutes” followed with “why can’t you just please listen to me” spilled out of me repeatedly and uncontested, much to the dismay of my inner attachment parent and to the annoyance of my toddler.
Today I reacted like a shitty mom. My willful and wonderful 19 month old was having a serious case of the Mondays combined with some whiny teething. She defied me at every instruction and every “no”, pushing boundaries and testing my limits. Normally, I find I handle such moments with grace and gratitude, allowing her room to explore and grow while patiently explaining the reasons for my seemingly ridiculous rules. (Or so they seem to her). However, today I felt the frustration boiling in my ears and witnessed it erupt out of my mouth in a series of stern and at-my-wits-end type comments, mostly asking why she is behaving so badly today and telling her why she cannot just do what she damn well pleases.
Today, I felt like a shitty mom. I closely examined and reorganized my student loan repayment plan and realized that I will never climb out from under that mountain of debt. I will never be able to pay for private or preparatory school for my daughter and I will never be able to afford to pay her way through college. That realization made me feel like a very shitty mom. Even with all the help my family provided me, I still ended up buried in a crippling amount of student loans. I do not regret pursuing those educational degrees, as the journey, the experiences, and the lessons were well worth it and I am grateful for every dime my family, I, and the education department invested. But those degrees are still not enough to get me hired in a position which would allow me to support my little girl, pay off my debts, and put away something for her own future education. This is the reality of higher education for many families, but it was one I was hoping she would be able to avoid; I’d hoped we’d break the cycle and send her off to school where she can learn and reach her full potential, without worry of what that will cost her. Today it became apparent that would not be feasible, and that made me feel like a very shitty mom.
Today I was a shitty mom. I allowed the stress and emotional burden of other things in life affect how I spoke and interacted with my child. I scolded when I should have soothed; I put her in time out when I should have patiently explained why her behavior was not acceptable; I handed her off to my family when I should have paused and just allowed her room to express what was on her mind, however incoherent or irrational. Today, I should have done better.
Tonight, in between the singing of lullabies and rocking her to sleep, I asked her to listen to me very carefully. Tonight, I told her that mommy was sorry for her behavior. Mommy should not have reacted the way she did most of the day – and even though Alice did make some unfortunate choices today and behaved poorly, mommy should have been more patient and helped Alice understand why those things she did were wrong. Mommy is sorry, and mommy promises to do better tomorrow.
No matter how much we love our children and how much we try to be great parents to them, we are still human and we are not infallible. I believe it is incredibly important to recognize within us when we are doing a great job and giving our children all of the love, attention, discipline and education they could ever need, and when we are just being shitty parents for whatever reason. And that recognition needs to be clear and thoughtful, taking responsibility for our actions and acknowledging our mistakes. We teach our children to apologize when they have wronged someone, when they have treated them in a way that is less than they deserve; and I believe we should apologize to our children when we do the same. We as parents should be accountable for our poor choices, our bad behavior, our short or frustrated reactions.
Discipline is important; teaching right from wrong is important, and I know that not every time that I scolded her for today was wrong. When she scratched my face because I interrupted her play time to change her diaper, she absolutely got a stern “that is not okay” and was asked to apologize and never do it again. But there were many moments today when I was in the wrong and for those, I am sorry. Teaching our children by example, teaching them to recognize within themselves poor choices and mistreatment of others, and teaching our children to step up and hold themselves accountable for their behavior will ensure that we raise compassionate, thoughtful, emotionally intelligent human beings.
Sure, she may not yet understand my apology. She may have completely forgotten that mommy snapped at her a dozen times today. But in those moments, she likely felt confused or hurt, and it is crucial for her to know that mommy is sorry and mommy will do better.
Today, I was a shitty mom. Tomorrow, I promise to do better, much better.